It’s not that deep :My first poem

“It’s not that deep”

I tell myself every time

Every time my heart skips a beat

It’s not ‘that deep

I mentally imbed at times wherein

I want to catch a glimpse

“It’s not that deep”

I force upon myself numerous times

I find myself simply just craving your touch

“It’s not that deep “

I say during multiple failed attempts

To swallow the lump in my throat

“It’s not that deep” 

Is what I always have to remind myself 

Even if it’s been years.

“It’s not that deep”

Is probably my most said sentence

And yet,

I find myself drowning every time.

Change it up: daily prompting and whatnot

Willy-nilly

When i searched for the meaning of the word in today’s daily prompt which was ‘willy-nilly’,what it reminded me of was, well, the daily prompt itself. As I’ve found my passion in writing , I wanted to develop it with the help of this daily prompt since I noticed that I always just write on a whim due to lack of inspiration or even just a gentle push. Henceforth, I wanted to give my writing what it lacked through the use of this daily prompt that generates a random word everyday to help you or rather, prompt you to write about something that is sort of related to the meaning of such a word. I found it really helpful but I also found frustration in myself sometimes for not keeping up with it, like legitimately everyday blogging or daily prompting. I don’t know, there’s just something about feeling obligated to do something that makes me not want to do it, y’know? I’m not blaming this daily prompt or anything but it’s just something that I notice whenever I or someone else implies me to do something repetetively or constantly, Like going to school: I don’t loathe school but one can only take so much of it everyday. The same goes for having everything planned out to the point that you’ve already watched it in your head. It’s somewhat suffocating if I do say so myself.

Nevertheless, I think it shouldn’t stop you from doing what you’re supposed to do , such suffocation should just be an indication to let some fresh air in whilst doing your obligations. Change it up a bit, try something new everyday, do some things unplanned, go willy-nilly every once in a while. I’ve established that I will try my best to daily prompt everyday like what I’m doing right at this very moment but I’m not going to be so rigid about it, if i can’t think of a piece that could arise from a daily prompt then I won’t make a  piece that day or I will just think of another way to write and/or blog that day. Afterall, quality content shouldn’t feel forced or rushed, atleast, for me.

The phenomena of sleep

Jiffy

I don’t know about you, but every time I think of the concept and ideology behind ‘sleeping’, it always manages to set my mind on a roll of questions and theories about what happens when we sleep. Well, of course except for the fact that it is supposedly the highest form of rest and replenishing for probably every creature known, trying to get past that phenomena is quite fascinating to say the least.

There aren’t any exact answers to most questions regarding sleep but it’s fun and worth looking into like, isn’t it just mind boggling that in order for us to sleep, we first need to pretend that we’re already asleep then, when we are already infact sleeping, it always seems like just a jiffy to us once we’ve woken up because there is no sense of time whilst being  in whatever realm you have gotten into by sleeping, but in reality, it could take up a lot of time. One of the questions that arises when i think into the concept of sleeping is ‘are our dreams in slow motion?’.The dreams that we experience during sleep  could draw out a whole bunch of questions and theories on its own; I honestly could talk about this all day but I’ll settle for writing this today. An  example of a theory about dreams, regarding the unfamiliar faces that appear in our dreams are also quite interesting (though sometimes creepy) to ponder on whether it’s who or how did we manage to make up such a face we’ve never seen before? I think I’ve encountered a theory before answering that that such faces were faces of the ghosts staring at you while you’re sleeping- I know,  you could probably make a horror movie out of that theory and don’t even get me started on the phenomenon of sleep paralysis.

Countless what if’s also occupy my mind whenever I think of sleep but I’ll focus more on ‘What if there was never a concept of sleep? Think about it , what if we never had to sleep? I think everything, especially time, would get so messed up and life would just feel like one very long day without the great replenisher and intermission number to the next day which is… sleep.

Being socially awkward

Delivery

It’s not that we don’t have anything better to say, we do, though, the delivery could be better. We introverts and/or socially awkward people often have a lot of voices in our heads making up for the lack of outer voices we interact with and so, we tend to overthink things in our head with the help of these voices and most of the time the end product or what we actually end up saying may come off a bit strange or shaky due to stuttering and whatnot. Though, please bear with us and don’t cross us out of any of your lists just yet, as we are constantly working on our delivery, thanks.

P.S. We’re probably better at texting or chatting

 

 

Existentialism in a nutshell

In our Philosophical anthropology class which I took in my second year as a philosophy major, we were tasked to read and to eventually come up with a thought piece about an excerpt  of Sartre’s Existentialism is humanism. The excerpt was a breath of fresh air to say the least and I  feel like everyone should be aware of Existentialism in this sense. The excerpt was an atheistic defense of existentialism; it was a clarification of the several misconceptions and stereotypes attributed to mainstream existentialism -which was that it was a notoriously atheistic, egoistic and rather pessimistic type of philosophy. He went on to imply the title of the excerpt, that ‘Existentialism is humanism’ inasmuch as it affirms meaning in the world and life itself as long as a person assigns it with meaning. His main arguments were built on premises like existence precedes essence and the abandonment of the concept of God in order to live an authentic, purpose–driven life led by one’s own values and accountability. The excerpt and the discussion regarding such was a breath of fresh air to say the least, despite being made aware of concepts such as ‘condemned to be free’, ‘the gaze’ and ‘bad faith’. Consequently, it was the excerpt that imprinted a significant amount of ideologies to attribute to my daily life henceforth fueling my thoughts to come up with the following case statements that can be used as an introduction to existentialism:

  • Existentialism is humanism inasmuch as it answers the question ‘what does it mean to be free?’ the world and life’s meaning is what you make of it. The atheist existentialist perspective of ‘existence precedes essence’ can be compared to Aristotle’s concept of the mind as a tabula rasa; life is devoid of any meaning at all by default. From the moment of consciousness, it is mainly up to you to fill that tabula rasa. If you still allow it to remain like a tabula rasa, you have no one to blame but yourself.
  • Most of us can be considered existentialists in the sense that at some point we look at our life find ourselves wanting so much to happen in terms of dreams and longings, I often hear people say ‘when I get rich, famous, successful etc. ’.The thing is, we have plans and we’re constantly making plans for something either consciously or subconsciously, somehow we are aware that what we want to happen won’t happen the way we intend for it to, if we don’t take action and do something about it- it’s a simple causal relation that we use to get by even before we encounter an existential crisis.
  • An existential crisis is often attributed or mistaken for severe depression. Well, who can blame anyone for feeling such? The realization that you are mostly accountable for everything that you do and what you become will inevitably bring anxiety and anguish. It makes you question the meaning of life and if it’s even there to start with. Existentialism realizes that life isn’t a movie which has a trailer and a plot to constantly guide or warn you of the flow of your life; you have to set the flow by yourself and direct yourself towards the means to your longings without cuts, editing and a stunt double. It’s all you except for the default settings you have which are your parents, genes, hometown etc. but you can always choose where you go from there. Moreover, it amplifies the awareness that death is inevitable, which is probably why existentialism is often labelled as a notoriously pessimistic kind of thinking but doesn’t that awareness make us want to live life as much as we can? Like the ideology behind the term YOLO or You only live once. Furthermore, the pessimism attributed to Existentialism may also be due to the fact that it acknowledges the arbitrary subjectivity of things in the light of freedom, but what is also often  overlooked is that existentialism also has reservations when it comes to freedom because just like with any other concept, too much freedom can be detrimental to someone and the society, it can lead to an episode of the famous movie ‘the purge’ wherein the citizens were given one night without laws to purge their angst and it consequently ends up in chaos and destruction of the society. Hence, what should always come with freedom is responsibility and probably a moral agreement within individuals to avoid exploiting each other’s freedom just like what Thomas Hobbes calls a social contract.

 

  • On the other hand, the insufficient use of freedom in certain situations also leads to bad faith. The things we do in bad faith are neither the things we want nor need to do but rather these are the things we think we have to do because of implicit social and moral norms and ideologies; it is the unawareness or disregard of one’s freedom and other available choices. It’s kind of like knowing better than to do an action but eventually doing it anyway thus, deceiving one’s self in the process.

 

  • The oxymoron which is ‘we are condemned to be free’ is a simple but typically overlooked implication that we always have and are making choices due to the fact that even if I am faced with the dilemma of staying home or going out, I can never say that I have no choice or just avoid making such a decision, because everything that I do be it getting dressed or just lounging on the couch after being faced with such a dilemma, is a choice towards either of those two main choices. Indeed, we are really  and sometimes, problematically , condemned to be free and have no choice but to choose in every situation we are faced

 

  • We need to question and try to disprove our faith at some point especially the kind of faith that was aroused and spoon-fed to us by our parents/relatives / culture. It needs to be questioned in somewhat the way that Sartre denies any human nature that is inherent to us by a god-which for him is just an excuse that theists use to justify circumstances and shortcomings; a state of abandonment, specifically abandonment of god because the belief that there is a god, for him, will abolish any individual’s chance of living authentically for believing in such already creates a notion of destiny. Take for an example, that I don’t believe in monogamy, I believe in open marriages or polygamy but I’m a Catholic and The Catholic Church believes that God has created it for one man and one woman only hence; an open marriage would be viewed as committing adultery in the catholic community. So I would have to compromise myself, the things I believe in and what I want to happen in order to meet the standards of the church thus perpetuating extra bad faith for the rest of my life- this is an example of how a certain religion implies a set rules to our humanity that adds to the growing list of constraints to our freedom hence, in that case, is needless for Sartre.

 

  • People are constantly working for something that could expand and make room for their freedom in this world by means of education, success, connections, fame, and let’s face it money and power etc.; through such ideologies we are able to maximize our freedom in this world. A certain person might want to travel and see the rest of the world for the rest of her life but the lack of resources to do so is what mostly restricts her therefore she strives for an occupation that could sustain the lifestyle she wants and ultimately the freedom she exercises.

Henceforth, existentialism is essential to human beings, it makes us aware of how important and irrevocable what we do with our lives are and challenges us to be the head director of our life in general but also with an amount of care for others (even though their presence might give us hell most of the time)  and responsibility for our actions .I have to admit that even though it was a bit painful to be more aware of the arbitrariness of this world and the excerpt still somehow gave the pessimist in me some grounds to say ‘I told you so’ , nevertheless, I mostly got optimism  out of it. Sartre’s existentialism encourages us to dive in to our life and freedom , probably get lost at first and then learn to invent ourselves but at our own risk.

Who knows?

via Daily Prompt: Foggy
Foggy
Are you really sure of what you’re sure of?

There are days when things are just the clearest they could be that it feels like it was a sign, but I always find myself  eventually questioning those clear things at the end of the day due to well, doubt and the great unknown. Because, who knows? and what do we know? like, looking at clouds we see a lot of potential shapes and there’s not just one angle of looking at it. It may look like a plant, a  bird or simply just a shapeless cloud to anyone. The concept of relativity has always been overlooked and no one’s really to blame for it because it’s such a mindfuck to think that some things that mean something to you,  can mean another thing or even nothing to someone else. In real life, most things are  unclear and foggy in some aspect  be it a person, a thing and ultimately the future. Just because something is the way it is right now or is constantly in that phase, doesn’t mean it will be that way forever. There is not one truth but a multitude ; It is both good news and bad news that we can’t know everything.

 

Cut yourself some slack: self-love

The ideology behind the saying ‘love yourself’ is really being given an emphasis in our generation today or so it is really starting to imprint itself onto my being lately though, I can’t help but wonder, ‘why only now?. Like most things, self-love is really easier said than done; not everyone finds it easy to find beauty in their flaws, struggles their life’s behind-the-scenes in general and even their selves in general. For some of us, it has become easier to dwell in our shortcomings rather than to be overjoyed with our achievements, bringing ourselves down has become comforting even to the extent wherein being given compliments is something to be skeptical about. I am writing this passage in hopes of shedding light , giving advice and also as a way for me to further overcome an all too familiar issue that I’ve struggled and is somehow still struggling with, and that is the issue of self-loathing and eventually I will also try to elaborate on my definition of self-love and my journey perhaps.

Self-loathing stems from various sorts of reasons, experiences, coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms and whatnot varying from person to person. I am fortunate enough to have realized that a massive contributor to  my self -hatred come from constantly feeling the need to compare myself to others regardless of our age difference, our upbringing etc. and I swear, I’ve never felt genuinely good about it nor have I felt that I gained anything good from doing such, even once. It is undeniably one of the most toxic things one could ever get habituated into doing because there’s just really no bright side when you compare yourself to others, even if you find yourself better than the person you’re comparing yourself to, still, you end up feeling bad for the other and of course, vice versa. I mostly feel sorry for myself at the end of the day. Besides, comparing yourself to other people is a category mistake in the first place; Nonetheless, I wasted a quarter of my life unaware of how unhealthy it was to be doing such and honestly speaking, I’m still trying my best up to this moment to stop comparing so much, I know a lot of people suffer from this too either consciously or unconsciously.

The thing is, self-loathing isn’t exactly the most obvious thing to notice unless explicitly being announced, but even when we hear someone talk down on themselves, it isn’t exactly being taken seriously most of the time. Self-loathing subliminally manifests into a lot of personal issues like being too apologetic, insecurity, feeling strained, having low standards and low self-esteem and even the need to inflict that hatred to others. I remember having a specific phase in my life wherein I was utterly uncomfortable in my own skin. At that time, I would always avoid eye contact and felt really uneasy whenever I felt someone’s gaze on me, all I thought about whilst someone was looking at me was the possible flaws they could notice, from the way I look, talk and act. Consequently, I also felt as if the things I do were never and will never be enough to anyone, even my parents. I had wondered once about the possibility of me being adopted but then again I thought that even if I was adopted, why would they pick me in the first place? Yes, it came to that extent and so I settled with  only the things I thought I could get, which wasn’t much; I settled with half-assed and mediocre things, grades, interactions, moments and aspirations. My friends thought my self-depreciating jokes were funny though and I also found such jokes to be the funniest even when someone else makes them, more or less, internet memes about such were quite entertaining. However, the thing is that they weren’t really helping.

Such a kind of humor that revolves around self-loathing doesn’t necessarily help in the long run even though face-value wise it can undeniably make you laugh and can be quite comforting to think that you are not alone, that the person who made such a relatable meme also feels the same way about himself/herself, but when you really delve into it, it could really add more fuel into your self-hatred to the point wherein it becomes normalized into your being and is hard to overcome. It’s one thing to laugh at yourself but dwelling on the assumption that you aren’t and will never be worth much is a whole new vicious and unhappy cycle.

It also got to a point wherein I couldn’t contain my hate for myself anymore that I somehow hated other people who reminded me of myself too. Although I would never insult anyone explicitly, I focused on people’s flaws and shortcomings in my head. I was in one hell of a rut, sometimes I feel like I still am but not that often anymore because slowly but surely, I like to believe, I am learning to love myself. I started wanting to love myself when I got fed up of being ashamed of myself and feeling so burdened with the weight of living that I’ve implied upon myself. It’s just so suffocating and my posture was really getting worse each passing day that I’ve succumbed into my hatred and pity in myself and it didn’t really take much time before I  realized that this wasn’t the way to go about life.

Anyway, a point among many points is that self-loathing is a real struggle that promotes pessimism, mediocrity, self-sabotage, other unhealthy whatnot, and ultimately self- destruction; we have to acknowledge it, understand where it is coming from and if it’s even valid to feel a certain hatred for ourselves (because for me, unless you’re a rapist, a murderer or have done something unacceptably wrong, you should go easy on yourself) and eventually learn to overcome it with the most efficient way to counter it, which is self- love. It may seem cheesy at first but a decent amount of self-love could really save you from a lot of pain, strain and confusion in the future; everyone deserves and should be utterly comfortable in their own skin and with who they relentlessly are. Loving yourself is holistically knowing thyself and cutting yourself some slack. Of course, you should do so in your own pace, take baby steps if you’d like, hold someone else’s hands, someone who is compassionate, and let them help you whilst trying to do so. Also, love yourself in a relatively healthy way like trying to be all aspects of well, being healthy for the sheer sake of feeling good within yourself and about yourself; Treat yourself right. Thereafter, If you feel like you don’t have much to love about  yourself, strive  to discover or have more things to love about yourself that doesn’t necessarily arise from materialistic tendencies, what you invest into your being should always be your priority- these were the ideologies I adapted to start my journey. However, the road to self-love, as expected ,isn’t quite easy, you may find yourself relapsing and having a setback every once in a while- it is also expected, but as long as you keep trying ,even after those relapses, you’ll be alright. I’ll say it once more, Cut yourself some slack, little by little and stay grounded.